COMICAL CRIMINALS[]
By Cam Rascoe[]
Published in StoryStar 2012
“Yo Ras Cat did I tell you ‘bout that fool Chip?”
Trey said to his big homie while sitting shot gun in the ’96 Jag on his way to work.
“You talkin’ ‘bout Tice’s little brother?”
Ras Cat asked of his younger homeboy.
“Yeah man, Tice’s brother. Yo him and this dude he run wit’ a dude named Poochie…”
“Poochie, dude’s name is Poochie?”
Ras Cat interrupted Trey with a puzzled frown on his face.
“Yeah man Poochie, anyway those two fools was out last week…”
Trey led into the story of two misguided young men’s futile attempts at being jack boys. Poochie was a petty criminal who had served small time for everything from purse snatching to drug possession; his drug of choice was cocaine. With teeth grinding and mouth twisted he enticed his friend into trying his hand at robbing the people in the neighborhood at gun point. Their neighborhood sat on Texas Avenue, across the city from Pine Hills. Trey, despite being slight in stature, was employed as a security guard in the apartment complex the two deviants called their stomping grounds. The knuckle heads cased their hood in search of a victim; they spotted a square looking dude getting out of an SUV retrieving a grocery bag from the back seat. This opportunity they could not resist seeing that they could possibly get the vehicle as well as the man’s belongings. So they rushed up on the man screaming like two idiots with pistols shaking in hands, bringing unwanted attention to themselves from neighbors who could definitely identify them to authorities. The man, startled by the commotion, swung around with his groceries in his arms and dropped it to the ground causing two bottles to break. Chip already scared to death, jumped at the sound of the bottles breaking causing the hair trigger on his borrowed pistol to pull back and fire a slug into Poochie’s lower leg. Poochie screeched like a preteen girl, fell against the man’s vehicle then dropped his revolver to the ground on its butt causing it to discharge. The large slug tore a hole in Chip’s right thigh and he immediately cried out and fell just yards from Poochie. The two laid and bellowed almost in competition to the amusement of the man they were trying to rob. The man chuckled and then casually kicked their weapons out of their reach. He stood over the two crying men and taunted them as he dialed 911; the gentleman got in a few playful kicks just for laughs. Hearing them scream and moan brought him strange joy. Being a good and just man, the joy he felt at that moment would later cause him to feel some shame. They were bumbling idiots, but they were still his brothers. The street started to fill with people after hearing the commotion; the man explained what happened to all his neighbors, they laughed and congratulated him. Bad ass little kids who were on occasion tormented by the two, danced around and spat at the buffoons on the ground beneath them. The adult woman of the community came out and chastised them for the stupid choice they had made while they educated them on karma. Trey showed up on the scene within minutes with whistle and clipboard in hand. When the police and ambulance arrived, the scene told the story for itself. The cops who were called to the scene shook their heads and had a good laugh as well. Before they were loaded into the ambulance and cuffed, the news crews showed up to get them on video and to interview the hero. They would soon be the city and then the country’s biggest joke before they made it to prison; both numb skulls were left with a permanent limp. Who would have thought that a potentially deadly plan, placed in the hands of two incompetent dim-witted individuals, would produce such a ridiculous scene and hilarious entertainment for a crime burdened nation in need of droll.