The Lost Fathers is a screenplay about a scientist who builds a time portal in June 2010. His incompetent son uses it to bring three of among the most notable American Founding Fathers to the present. The story intends a somewhat comedic tone and features such themes as cannabis usage and a strip club.
INT. ORSINI RESIDENCE JUNE 2010 - DAY
In his basement laboratory, Professor Mike Orsini works diligently on his scientific magnum opus.
MIKE Son, come down here. There’s something I have to show you.
Kevin walks downstairs.
KEVIN What’s happenin’, Pops?
MIKE I believe I have just conceived the first ever portal to the past.
KEVIN Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s fire it up and go time traveling!
MIKE That doesn’t seem very doable, unfortunately. Because it only works on history before now, one could be stuck in a time without a portal back, and it took a decade for me to finish this. The fabric of spacetime is a dangerous one to be tampering with.
KEVIN Then what can it do?
MIKE The portal can also be used to transport unsuspecting peoples in the past to the present. With either of its functions, a previous year may be designated on the device. Upon activation, it will summon a wormhole at a random place on Earth, on the present date in the year selected.
Kevin turns the dial on the portal to 1776.
MIKE Kevin, you know not of what hazards might lay behind this.
KEVIN Chill the fuck out, man. It’s not like a wormhole is going to suck our founding fathers into it. We have better odds at bringing a slave here to set free.
Kevin presses Activate
INT. MONTICELLO JUNE 1776 - DAY
In his Virginia estate, Thomas Jefferson works diligently on his political magnum opus. George Washington and Benjamin Franklin walk into his quarters.
BENJAMIN Greetings, Mr. Jefferson. How’s that declaration coming along?
THOMAS Just fine, thank you. Still, I’m debating whether or not to include something about the freedom to alter one’s conscience in the section concerning human rights.
GEORGE Speaking of which, would you like to enjoy some of the finest sweet hemp I’ve ever grown on my Mount Vernon plantation?
THOMAS It would be a pleasure.
As George readies his pipe, a wormhole materializes in the Jefferson residence.
BENJAMIN WHAT TH…
INT. ORSINI RESIDENCE JUNE 2010 - DAY
Benjamin, George, Thomas, and a half full pipe travel through 234 years via wormhole, before being spat out on the floor of the Orsini basement.
GEORGE Where the hell are we?
MIKE You’re in the year twenty-ten. You’ve been transported here after my incompetent son screwed around with my invention. We’re Mike and Kevin Orsini. No need to tell us your names. It is best that you be sent back as soon as…
KEVIN Hold on, dad. We gotta show these guys around. Wait a minute…
Kevin notices cannabis in George’s pipe on the floor.
KEVIN You know that shit’s illegal, right?
THOMAS Illegal?! What kind of dystopian future is this?!
Mike checks on the time portal.
MIKE Dammit! This machine wasn’t meant to reach this far back in time. The portal has short circuited. While I try getting this fixed, I suppose you could show them around town, but only drive my car with its tinted windows up.
KEVIN Chill out bro, we’re in Vegas. Others will just assume they’re in costume.
Kevin leads the founding fathers up the stairs and outside.
EXT. ORSINI’S NEIGHBORHOOD JUNE 2010 - DUSK
BENJAMIN HOLY SHIT!
KEVIN What is it, B Frank?
BENJAMIN Up there! Those flying machines!
KEVIN Yeah, airplanes. Isn’t the future awesome? What am I saying? There’s so much more to see! Let’s hop in my dad’s horseless carriage and head into town.
Kevin, Ben, George, and Thomas depart in a BMW E60. Kevin sets the navigation system for the Spearmint Rhino.
KEVIN Go ahead and zoom out. See where you are in the world. Press right there.
George uses the touch screen to reveal the whole of North America.
THOMAS Well I’ll be damned. We’re on the other end of the continent!
EXT. LAS VEGAS JUNE 2010 - NIGHT
KEVIN Here we are, at my favorite gentlemen’s club.
GEORGE But must we be members for entry?
KEVIN G Wash, I don’t think this is a “gentlemen’s club” by your time’s definition. Because I’m rich and love you all, I’ll cover the admission.
INT. SPEARMINT RHINO JUNE 2010 - NIGHT
The four enter the strip club and take seats by the main stage’s tip rail. After ordering cocktails, an erotic dancer approaches them and begins her striptease routine.
BENJAMIN Amazing: the future holds larger breasts.
KEVIN All thanks to the wonders of mammoplasty.
Ben pulls out an archaic 1700s banknote and places it in the stripper’s garter belt.
KEVIN I don’t know if they’ll take kindly to obsolete currency, bro.
A heavily inebriated man comes into their presence.
HAMMERED GUY (slurred) Hey white hair! You look just like that guy on the dollar!
Kevin hands George a modern one dollar bill to clarify.
GEORGE I’m speechless.
A server with the cocktails, a different person from the one who took the orders, comes near. Addressing the fathers:
SERVER Don’t you guys belong in the upper level? I’m sure Mr. Mescudi has long awaited you, and his performance is in a half hour.
KEVIN Oh…right. I was going to escort them there. My bad for not keeping track of time. Can we take those drinks up with us?
INT. SPEARMINT RHINO UPPER LEVEL JUNE 2010 - NIGHT
Kevin and the fathers walk up a set of spiral stairs. As they ascend, George detects what he believes to be the smell of cheap, schwaggy weed.
KEVIN If I think this is who I think it is, don’t freak out at the sight of a black person. They’re all free now.
KEVIN Oh…I mean “negro”.
Passing through the door at the top, past a partying crowd, they see a shorthaired man of African American descent in glasses. He sits in a circle with two others, passing (to the left) and puffing on some sort of cigar.
KEVIN Hell yeah! Kid Cudi, Bill Maher, and Snoop Dogg in blunt circle!
Cudi notices those walking in.
CUDI Yo, you guys want to hit this? It’s kind of close to the roach.
GEORGE That doesn’t smell too good. You ought to roll some of mine.
George whips out a pound of his sticky icky Mount Vernon dank.
GEORGE Have a whiff.
CUDI MY GOD. That is some fucking flame ass dro!
THOMAS George has his pipe. We can load that up.
Looking at the partially burnt corncob pipe:
CUDI No way. Let’s roll another.
And so they did, with Washington’s “flame ass dro”. Cudi puts on a remix of one of his songs entitled Pursuit of Happiness. As they all blaze up:
THOMAS Isn’t it illegal as of current?
CUDI Legal or not, that shit don’t matter. Our forefathers grew it and knew it would benefit this land greatly.
BILL Also, this November, California will lead the way for re-legalization when its citizens vote on the initiative.
The shit gets passed to Franklin. He takes a huge hit, lets the smoke waft out his mouth a little, and snap-backs the mushroom cloud deep into his lungs.
KEVIN Whoa, B. You’re such a seasoned toker.
After coughing it out:
BENJAMIN (hacking) I am appalled by the fact that the prohibition of a plant from nature is instilled in this nation’s books. How long has this been going on?
SNOOP Roughly three quarters of a century. Propaganda led to an unjust law targeting innocent people for victimless crimes.
Miss USA Rima Fakih joins in the circle.
RIMA Should’ve told me what’s going down. That’s some tasty smelling bud.
KEVIN Definitely. Cudi’s was probably some good shit, but George’s here, this is where it’s at. Hey, you’re from Michigan, right? I remember how you almost tripped that night last month.
GEORGE Fuck. I am so blazed.
THOMAS As am I, my friend.
BENJAMIN Let’s get some food.
KEVIN Aiight. Let’s bounce and find somewhere to eat.
INT. LAS VEGAS JUNE 2010 - NIGHT
The four “cruise” down a nearly empty Vegas Strip. Red and blue lights can be seen flashing in the mirrors. Thomas quickly puts out the blunt they were having in the car. Kevin lights up a Parliament menthol to try covering the smell.
OFFICER Do you know exactly what you were doing? You were driving on the wrong side of the road.
KEVIN What? But I’m on the right side?
OFFICER Exactly. Also, is that marijuana I smell?
Everyone in the car is paranoid and without voice.
OFFICER Can I throw down and join your fun? Just drive on the left this time.
The policewoman stepped in the vehicle, the blunt was relit, and they went to the left side.
KEVIN Did I tell you guys we have a black president?
The founding fathers, intoxicated with copious amounts of THC, laughed hysterically at this notion.
OFFICER President? You mean Prime Minister Obama?
Kevin appears somewhat confused, but is too high for matters like this to stay on his mind for long.
KEVIN Sweet! A fucking Sonic!
Kevin pulls into the Sonic Drive-In and parks by one of the menus.
MENU SPEAKER Welcome to Sonic. What will your order be?
BENJAMIN (stoned off his ass) Uh…yea, can I get a SuperSONIC® Cheeseburger, an Extra-Long Chili Cheese Coney dog, a Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch, and a Cherry Slush? Oh, and some chili cheese tots…and a small Coke.
Everyone in the car laughs uncontrollably, partly due to how fat he is.
THOMAS Actually, I’ll take that same exact thing!
GEORGE Me too!
The contents of Benjamin’s order ended up being multiplied by 4 for everyone in the car. Unbeknownst to the others, George starting packing his corncob pipe whilst awaiting the munchies’ arrival. Afterwards, a carhop skated near.
CARHOP Here’s your food.
As Kevin receives the om-noms, the carhop notices George hitting his piece.
CARHOP Oh, a medical patient. What are you using it for?
Everyone devours their food which, because they are all so ripped, tastes even better than it usually does.
GEORGE Oh my god. That was the best meal I’ve ever had in my whole life.
BENJAMIN Tru dat.
The officer gets dropped off at the car she left on the Strip. Kevin drives George, Thomas, and Benjamin back to his house.
INT. ORSINI RESIDENCE JUNE 2010 – DAWN
As sunlight first appears on the horizon, the four walk into the Orsini home.
MIKE Kevin, what I once feared has become real. The declaration was never finished and America never became independent. Here, look at this Wikipedia article.
On an iPad, Mike displays an article entitled “Commonwealth of America”.
MIKE Fortunately, the time portal has been repaired, but it is vital that they step in now.
GEORGE I’m not sure if I want to leave. I’m going to miss the horseless carriages, the cocktails, and the Sonic.
BENJAMIN I would be missing the fake tits.
THOMAS Plus, I got a thing for those chocolate ladies at the Rhino.
KEVIN True. However, it is necessary that you establish the United Bros of America.
KEVIN Also, in the Declaration of Independence, and later in the Constitution, could you please make it so that the buds of the Indian hemp plant, or any other drug for that matter, can never be outlawed?
THOMAS I thought about that before. Now I’ll definitely do it.
Mike turns on the time portal and configures it to the year they came from. George, Benjamin, and Thomas step into it.
INT. MONTICELLO JUNE 1776 - DAWN
THOMAS (writing Declaration of Independence) We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Cannabis…We, therefore, the Representatives of the United Bros of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent Bros
EXT. LAS VEGAS JUNE 2010 – DAY
Kevin walks into a perfectly legal cannabis coffeeshop to pick up some herb.
KEVIN Hello. May I get a gram of the Sweet Island Skunk, two gs each of Sour Apple Kush and Chemdawg, and an eighth of Jack Herer?
BUDTENDER That will be forty brollars.
KEVIN (thinking) Damn, our economy must be good.
Kevin smokes a joint of Chemdawg as he walks down a sidewalk. Turning his head to the left, he sees what looks to be the Washington Monument. The only difference is that it looks like this: