The Lost Fathers 3: A Republic If You Can Keep It is the third installment in the historical science fiction comedy series of screenplays The Lost Fathers. It is the direct sequel to The Lost Fathers 2: Stoning of St. Stephen. It is the longest in the series and has the most characters: 23.
Characters[]
Rembrandt van Rijn
Buck Tuddrussel
Otto Osworth
Max
Kevin Orsini
Mike Orsini
Giuseppe Mezzofanti
George Washington
Thomas Jefferson
Benjamin Franklin
B-Real
James Madison
James Monroe
John F. Kennedy
Bill Clinton
Cashier
Secret Service Agent
Barack Obama
Michelle Obama
Joe Biden
The Most Interesting Man in the World
Ron Paul
Betsy Ross
Text[]
INT. REMBRANDT HOUSE COFFEESHOP 1625 – DAWN
Just as Giuseppe Mezzofanti told Paul the true way to stone St. Stephen, Rembrandt was finishing up his masterpiece.
REMBRANDT Behold my masterpiece! I call it The Stoning of St. Stephen.
BUCK You fucking nailed it.
OTTO An excellent piece of art, Mr. van Rijn.
REMBRANDT
You see that fat sack in the picture?
BUCK and OTTO Yeah.
REMBRANDT Well I’m going to give you one of those on the house!
INT. TIME SQUAD SPACE STATION 100,000,000 AD
Buck and Otto look to light the dro.
OTTO How should we smoke this?
BUCK I’ll go find something.
A few minutes later, Buck returns.
BUCK You won’t believe what I made: a makeshift vaporizer!
Buck and Otto enjoy their toke. They both get fucking rocked.
OTTO So, what’s that vape made of?
BUCK I seriously forgot. I haven’t a damn clue.
OTTO Whatever.
Weeks pass without an alarm sounding. However, anachronisms in the passage of time still appeared, but went unnoticed.
INT. LAS VEGAS COFFEESHOP APRIL 19, 2011 – NIGHT
Kevin Orsini chills with his friend, Max, over a couple joints.
MAX You know what tomorrow is, right?
KEVIN Hell yeah. America’s national holiday!
EXT. JERUSALEM 34 AD - DAY
One such important anachronism was not attended to:
The alien who was revealed to be Giuseppe Mezzofanti, along with G Wash, T Jeff, B Frank, A Linc, and B-Real, convinced Paul the Apostle to get St. Stephen stoned instead of stoning him. This was after someone accidentally sent his spaceship into hyperspace.
MEZZOFANTI Shall we return to the ship?
THOMAS Are you still blazed from that interstellar sesh? The ship’s fucking totaled.
BENJAMIN Hey what happened to that robot? He could time travel, right?
George Washington sees pieces of Larry 3000 scattered around the ship debris.
GEORGE He’s dead!
B-REAL He was a robot.
INT. PENNSYLVANIA STATE HOUSE, PHILADELPHIA JULY 4, 1776 - NIGHT
The Second Continental Congress was about to adopt the United Bros Declaration of Independence, but the three key founders are still nowhere to be found. James Madison was losing his patience.
JAMES MADISON It’s the same shit with those three fuckers, disappearing into thin air when we need them most!
JAMES MONROE How about you and I take over this situation? I can be prez and you can be vice.
JAMES MADISON Well, I was the one who came up with the type of federal presidential constitutional republic we were about to have.
JAMES MONROE You thought of it when you were high as fuck, remember?
JAMES MADISON Why don’t we just make the herb president?
JAMES MONROE Let’s get real here. Which one of us has the dankest dank? Show me your stash.
Monroe inspects and compares both his and Madison’s weed.
JAMES MONROE Where’d you get your shit from?
JAMES MADISON G Wash. Ain’t it flame?
JAMES MONROE George? That’s why you gotta go to T Jeff. He’ll hook you up.
INT. ORSINI RESIDENCE APRIL 20, 2011 – DAWN
TELEVISION Thousands of cannabis arrests are being made nationwide on stoners getting high in the streets and on the lawns of universities.
KEVIN What in God’s name…
MIKE Good news son: I’ve made a miniature time machine. It’s successfully able to select the specific location in the time one wishes go to.
KEVIN Where’s that mini time thing?
MIKE Right here.
Kevin snatches the device and teleports away.
INT. PENNSYLVANIA STATE HOUSE, PHILADELPHIA JULY 5, 1776 – DAWN
KEVIN (shouting) George! Tom! Ben!
JAMES MADISON
They’ve been absent since yesterday. Monroe and I were just shooting the shit.
JAMES MONROE They went off in lightning with that mechanical man.
KEVIN Larry? I last saw him being abducted by a UFO at a Cypress Hill concert, along with B-Real, and the fathers! God knows where they ended up. Anyway, cannabis is supposed to be legal in 2011. It was in the Declaration.
JAMES MADISON It is indeed.
KEVIN But now we’re the fucking Commonwealth of America again, in bed with that bitch Elizabeth II, and puppet prime ministers!
JAMES MONROE We’re going to need the proper leadership to win this war and achieve independence.
KEVIN Shit, we gotta have to fight the revolution with G Wash, T Jeff, and B Frank are nowhere in sight.
JAMES MADISON Perhaps you could assemble a trio that is at the least just as worthy as the previous.
KEVIN I’ll do this for the United Bros. of America.
Kevin contemplates who to go to before activating his portable time machine.
EXT. DALLAS, TEXAS NOVEMBER 22, 1963 – DAWN
KEVIN Excuse me sir, but are you Mr. John Fitzgerald Kennedy?
JACK That’s me. You can just call me Jack.
KEVIN You’re gonna consider me insane, but I am a time traveler. I sincerely wish this all weren’t true, but I must warn you: later today is one in which you are under a grave intervention from those fuckers at the Fed.
JACK The Federal Reserve?
KEVIN Exactly, and in the midst of your parade through this city.
JACK Those bastards! It wasn’t long ago that I ordered an end to them.
KEVIN Did I mention the Founding Fathers went missing in time somewhere and the revolu…oh wait.
JACK I know that Washington, Jefferson, and Franklin went missing. I can’t comment on whether they were lost in time. All that doesn’t matter though. They were rebels against the Crown and Great Britain rightfully achieved control of their colony. The Empire is as large as ever, and the sun still never sets on it.
KEVIN You’re saying the British Empire is still around? Also, you’re a Prime Minister, correct?
JACK To both of those questions: no shit. I am beginning to question your mental stability.
KEVIN Just come with me using the time machine. We’re going to the future.
JACK Do you know if the green is legal there? I was going to legalize it pretty soon.
KEVIN Not unless you come with.
INT. MCDONALD’S, WILLIAM DC MARCH 6, 1995 - DAY
In what would otherwise be Washington DC, Prime Minister Bill Clinton steps inside a McDonald’s after a jog.
BILL I’ve got cottonmouth and munchies, from this jog of course. I need some Mickey D’s.
SECRET SERVICE AGENT Alright. Try to make it quick and do not tell Hillary.
The secret service steps outside.
CASHIER Holy fucking shit! Bill Clinton!
Kevin and JFK emerge from the men’s room
BILL Holy fucking shit! John F. Kennedy! My secret service must’ve set this up. They always pull some funny shit like this now and then.
JACK It’s no joke, I’m the real JFK.
BILL (chuckles) Yeah, right.
KEVIN Just come with us on a journey through time in which you are greatly required.
BILL Okay, I’ll go along with this. Just let me get my post-breakfast McMuffin.
KEVIN If I give you cash, could you buy me a few of those? Being around noon, they likely won’t do that for one such as me.
BILL Shit’s on me. I’ll get 10 for us all.
Orsini and Kennedy direct Clinton and the McMuffins to the restroom that the former two just came out of.
INT. ORSINI RESIDENCE APRIL 20, 2011 – NIGHT
KEVIN Jack, Bill, this is twenty-eleven, and this is my living quarters. In this state is legal medicinal cannabis, and (lying) I have a patient card. Want to try this Blue Dream and Bubblegum Kush?
BILL Do I ever!
JACK I’m down.
Kevin packs the bud into his double barrel percolating bong. Over their toke:
KEVIN Long story short, America was supposed to become an independent republic. I once brought George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Benjamin Franklin into my time with a highly advanced portal built by my father. One time they were here and all got abducted by a flying saucer. That was the last of them.
BILL Ok. Now what do we have to do with this?
KEVIN I figured that because those three could be anywhere in space, and possibly time, a crack team of some of this nation’s greatest modern presidents would be, hopefully, just as good.
JACK And if you weren’t that high you might’ve remembered that we’re prime ministers.
KEVIN Oh right, my bad. Anyway, both of your quasi-British accents are beginning to irritate me. Even the accent that you should have, Jack, sounds better than the voice that came from those niggers with shitty teeth.
BILL Who you callin’ shitty teeth?
In a face like Jared Loughner’s mug shot with an open mouth, Clinton displayed the least bodacious of teeth: